I have never kept any record of how God had acted in me for the realization of this work.

However, now being compelled by obedience to reveal by what means and ways He deigned to begin the Institute of the Daughters of Charity, I will write to the best of my ability all I can remember, although I will not be able to state precisely the various dates.

The first thing I remember is that when I was about fifteen, having recovered from a very serious illness, and feeling totally strengthened in my resolution to remain in the virginal state, I tried to practice charity in all possible ways.

I thought I had to become a cloistered nun, but then, afraid that I might repent later, I kept this desire hidden from everybody else except my Confessor.

Two years later I decided to withdraw to a Monastery where I experienced a special attraction towards nursing the sick but it was a matter of purely human inclination.

In the end I withdrew to the above-mentioned monastery fully resolved to become a Discalced Carmelite. Although mine was only just a brief visit, I thought I was entering Heaven itself.

However, there were two difficulties: apart from the aversion I had always felt for the cloister, (an aversion which I was willing to overcome even at the cost of my life).

During the three days I spent there I felt unceasingly repeated within myself, that in such a place I would no doubt sanctify myself, but I would never be in a position to prevent sin nor to work for the salvation of souls.

I tried to dismiss this thought as if it were a temptation even though I was well aware I had never done anything good in my whole life.

I left the Monastery though very resolved to return to he clothed with tile Carmelite habit.

But God, through an unforeseen means, changed my plan and I was compelled to abandon this vocation.

I placed myself under the direction of a holy priest who had a great spirit of prayer. He advised me to remain for a year without taking any decision.

During this time he made me lead a very withdrawn life within my own home. In the mean time, both he and I prayed fervently to know God's will and I continued to rely totally in his guidance.

Finally, when the year was over, he suggested that I continued to remain with my family. He said that God unmistakenly wanted something from me but for the time being he was unable to discern what it was.

With his permission I tried to withdraw to a Monastery without seclusion to wait there for God's will to be made known to me.

My relatives, however, pointed out that it would be better for me to stay at home with my younger sister Rose until she would get married.

I was very reluctant to do so but my director asked me to obey.

For a while after that, though I was drawn to a special method of prayer, I resisted the Lord thinking I was wasting time;

but in the end I abandoned myself to the advice of my Director who was encouraging me to follow my inclination.

in the great interior peace I experienced, it seemed to me that Codes Will for me was to seek nothing but Him and ask nothing else except a life of total abandonment to His Divine will.

This I did for several days but my Spiritual Director did not allow me to continue in this way. He told me that perhaps a day would come when God would ask this of me hut not as yet.

Actually, God has now made this come true in this new Work, as far as its external affairs are concerned. Little by little He has put me in a situation of total detachment from everything, though the desire for Him alone has never left me.

Anyway, neither then nor now am I able to profit from this; also I do not want anyone to believe that I would have acted thus without having first received a precise order.

For the time being I remained at home but the bond with my family became so strong that, for many years to come, I could not even think of leaving the family circle.

Meanwhile during one of those first years, while attending holy Mass, as the priest read some Scriptural text taken from the book of Tobit, I felt a strong inner impulse to dedicate myself to works of Charity and I resolved to do so. It was not because I already had a clear idea of what this Work would be but I was thinking of the good I would be able to perform at that time.

so I did, for I also had a natural inclination towards assisting the sick whom Cod never failed to put along my way throughout the period I stayed with my family.

on another occasion, as I recited the Miserere, on reaching the verse: "Docebo iniquos..." I felt urged to teach Christian Doctrine to my fellowmen and thus I began to explain it every Sunday to our maidservants whom I could not send to Church.

Almost every time I heard, during Mass, the Gospel text which reads: "Euntes inniversum mundum", without knowing why, I was deeply moved and filled with consolation. Although I do not cry easily, my eyes would fill with tears.

The same happened when I attended those Masses having the Divine Glory as theme and for which I had since then always a great attraction. The very mention of "Divine Glory" would suffice to touch my heart deeply.

Especially, during these years, I had such a strong desire to prevent sins that, besides spending all I could possibly dispose of On various occasions, I would have turned my blood into gold if I could, thus facing death many a time.

Above all, I had very much at heart the reunion of the Creek and Latin Churches.

During Holy Week while reading in a small meditation book the verse "Inspice et fac secundum exemplar", I experienced an inner stirring, so strong that it remained with me for several days. I felt urged to follow the Crucified Christ but without understanding anything in particular.

Six or seven months before going to Venice to start this foundation, in prayer, I had a similar experiences It was an intellectual enlightenment and it was neither as intense nor as deep as before.

I believe that it was then that I looked to the virtues of Christ Crucified for inspiration to write the Rules of the Daughters of Charity, that is, of the Institute.

As time progressed neither my Spiritual Director nor I still had discerned what the lord was asking of me. With the approval of the same Director, I began to negotiate a foundation of Discalced Carmelites in my town.

However I always felt the usual aversion for the cloister but greatly inclined towards hospital work especially since an Institution, known as the "Pia Unione" had already started in Verona, for the purpose of assisting the sick hospitalized there.

it was a long time since I was devising to establish an Institute with the purpose of gathering some girls and, at the same time, of visiting the hospital.

My idea was that the persons involved would be interested above all in seeking personal sanctification;

but since all this seemed to be only a dream, I did not disclose it for a long time to anybody, not even to my Director. However, I continued to look into the transaction of the foundation of the Monastery of the Discalced, in spite of feeling a certain inner bitterness if I remember properly.

The very morning the project was to be finalized I was feeling restless and made known this idea to my Director. Without further ado, he ordered me to immediately desist from any further dealings with the foundation and dedicate myself to the new project.

I was advised to speak to the Vicar General of the Diocese for an eventual project of my plans (24.11.1799).

He advised me to speak with the Bishop (Msgr. Avogadro), who gave me only a partial approval. He advised me to move independently, for I had planned to work with a holy priest (Don Leonardi).

He was against my visiting the sick in the hospitals and suggested instead, that I open schools of charity for

During the Vicar General's visit he inquired who was directing me. On being informed he expressed his approval.

However, he suggested that if he was going to die I should put myself under the guidance of another priest, whose name he mentioned. In fact, this priest (Don Galvani) became my Director.

This conversation annoyed me for I found that he guided me well and furthermore he was still healthy and relatively young.

However, a few days later he was struck down by apoplexy and died. Convinced that God had wanted to manifest His Will to me through my Superior, I entrusted myself to the person suggested by him.

Regarding the Work, therefore, not only did I abandon my collaboration with that good religious but also the assistance to the hospital which was a branch of our activity.

I began instead to gather some abandoned girls, who were in moral danger and placed them under the care of a teacher in a rented house.

Unfortunately it was quite far from my house and since my commitment to my family was quite pressing, my visits to these girls were rare.

However, I used to visit the sick in the hospital as a Lady of the League of Friends, member of the charitable organization afore-mentioned, without worrying, how all this would end. I could not see any way of separating myself from my family within a short period owing to my responsibilities at home being what they were.

When it pleased the Lord to loosen my bonds, then my earlier desires reemerged.

As the project I had in mind was truly grand and, on the other hand, I was fully aware that I had never really served the Lord, it seemed to me that it was total madness.

It was as this time, that a Barnabite Priest (F. De Vecchi), noted for his piety and learning, came to Verona.

As he stayed in our how, I had the opportunity of telling him something of my project. I asked him if he would be willing to give me a companion who was under his direction. This person was a professed member of the Institute of the Ladies of Faith, a branch of the Sisters of Charity, founded by St. Vincent de Paul.

He neither refused nor made a promise but he was uncertain of what he should do.

At last, another priest of outstanding personality visited Verona and happened to stay in my house. He was a man of deep spirituality and experience. To him I opened my heart, clearly revealing my plans, since he suggested that I work with him on a charity project he was planning.

Msgr.Pacetti however, no longer spoke about his project but encouraged me to pursue my own. It was then that I began to reflect on it more seriously.

Even now I am surprised that I confided in one who was not my director for I was then, as now, most reluctant to ask counsel from one who did not direct me.

Moreover, I knew I was incapable of carrying out this work, but as I still lacked trust in the Lord, it seemed to me that I could not do anything if I did not have an companion.

After great difficult I was finally granted one who had already been professed in the afore-mentioned Institute of the Ladies of Faith and I was even able to exchange ideas with her.

She gave me a wide description of the former Congregation of the Sisters of Charity. The description of this former Plan, however, did not arouse in me that full agreement producing inner peace, or sense of serenity or satisfaction that, in my opinion, accompanying the things of God, especially when these same initiatives are God-inspired.

It seemed to me that it was the case of a purely intellectual conviction. So I had no difficulty, even though for justified motives, in omitting some things which were already set down in the Plan my companion had procured for me, and replacing them with others having a similar meaning.

All this was done in great peace, even when something were denied me. Anyway, whenever it was possible for me to do so, I insisted on having them.

I was deeply and fully contented, in observing that finally I had found what I had longed been searching for.

The thought of accomplishing this plan by myself continued to seem madness to me. So I agreed with this companion to start the Institute with three of us.

As God had finally loosened most of ties with the family, I began to contemplate the way of detaching myself completely from it.

I attempted to take the step which cost me very much but at that time it proved to be useless.

I obtained only a promise to be allowed to follow my vocation when I could find better premises than the ones I was in.

However, I obtained greater freedom to stay with my girls, especially during the holiday season.

I had to suffer much on this occasion; it seemed even more than my health could bear had not God sustained me in my great affliction through prayer.

In it He not only made me perceive that He deserved all but He also consoled me with a special concern and tender love. So, even though I felt totally isolated, I remained strong in my resolution.

For the time being I had to return home and postpone starting the Work.

In the meantime, God allowed a person to be recommended to me. She seemed to have all the necessary requirements for collaborating but when it came to the internal organisation of the Work, her opinion clashed with the other person's and the project was hampered even more.

So much so that the first companion turned to another solution. 1, for my part, was advised to abandon the second person and again I found myself alone.

This time it was not too difficult for me to obey, not only because I had some doubts about her vocation, but also because I could foresee that innumerable difficulties and mortifications of all sorts would have to be met in order to agree with her.

Therefore, as I am not a lover of suffering, it did not cost me too much to let her go.

It was precisely at this time that I began to honour the Most Holy Virgin under the title of the "Sorrowful Virgin". In fact, since I was a child I always had a great love and devotion to Our Lady.

I believe that the devotion to Mary, under this title, was inspired by my second companion.

My devotion to the Holy Protectors of our Work, that is, St. Francis of Assisi, St. Michael the Archangel and St. Cajetan can also be traced back to this period.

As I found myself, unwillingly, in great suffering caused by my vain attempts to respond to my vocation, and not having any other consolation except prayer, I often visited the Church of St. Francis for it was quite near.

One day while in prayer, I felt moved to take this Saint as my advocate and I prayed to him to be my father.

I did not speak about this to anyone; however, some days later, I think during confession, my Confessor told me to recommend myself to St. Francis and to take him as a father.

Later, when I spoke again with my Director who knew nothing of my previous inspirations, we both agreed that I should take this Saint as my advocate and father; how ever not as one who would guide me in drawing up the Rules.

The same happened to me regarding St. Michael. While in prayer I took him as the defender of the Institute. As far as I remember, the first time I went to my Director, he asked me if I had devotion to the great Archangel Michael and told me to take him as my protector.

After having read St. Gaetan's life when I was young I developed a devotion to him. I desired to imitate him, to spread the love of God and to work for the good of souls. Therefore, I always cherished a great affection for him.

Overcoming therefore many contradictions, I obtained a suitable place after nearly two years.

Later my Director provided me with a companion who was endowed with every good quality. After obtaining permission from my family and together with some of her companions, I went to five in the aforementioned premises.

This latest companion was not obtained by my ordinary Director but by a priest who came from another town. My Director had commanded me to obey him and also allowed me to seek his advice freely.

Even though my Director encouraged me to obey him, he was of the opinion that God wanted another kind of work from me and not that which had already been started.

I was convinced about the true discernment of that priest (Msgr. Pacetti) and at the same time I was desirous of separating myself from talc world to start the Work I hall taken on very willingly.

When I was there, as it is my nature, I became very attached to my companion who had been given to me for a temporary period.

She deserved all my affection in every way; but as her vocation differed from mine I hindered the work of God by my affection for her.

I had received an order from the one who was directing me in this work to write the Rules of the new Institute. More than convinced that my companion was more enlightened than myself regarding internal organization, I adapted myself for the main part to her way of thinking, remaining firm however in many essential things.

On the basis of the said plan 1 wrote a small set of rules;

but boors going any further I want to clarify a point.

As soon as this companion of mine came to Verona (in my opinion - to establish herself) and on hearing what was said about her, a doubt that our ways of thinking would not coincide, arose within me. I suffered greatly and rebuked myself for my little trust in God: and precisely for that reason I had greatly desired that companion.

As usual, I went to the Church of St. Francis to pray to the Most Holy Virgin and it became very clear that this companion would not remain with me and this was the cause of my frequent sadness.

Later on, with the permission of the one who was directing me, I tried so hard to agree with her but when the time came to conclude, I do not know whether my self-love was making it difficult for me to subject myself, or whether it was God who did not really want me to. I experienced the same inner conflict as on other occasions when God wanted to manifest His Will for me.

I spent two years in my Retreat in serenity, very happy to be there. Sometime after, while at prayer, the Lord, prepared me for my first mission to Venice, with extraordinary consolations and a lively desire to work for souls.

However when the time for departure arrived, not having the courage to leave my companion, I did not correspond at all to the mercies of the Lord.

Nevertheless I left but with great anxiety, always wishing to return as early as possible to my Retreat.

I did in fact return after two months and it needed all the strength of obedience to put me at peace. For it seemed as though I had neglected the good of souls and had given in to my own inclination though I had done nothing according to my own will.

Again and again I was resolved that if God should give me the opportunity to work once more I would let obedience have its way.

After this year had passed, the Lord began to draw me closer than ever in prayer. As I cannot remember things clearly, I will write only those that come to my mind.

At one time, I found myself united to God so intensely, with a feeling of love so strong that I was almost unaware of what was happening around me.

The outcome was that I felt compelled to seek nothing else but God alone and to commit myself in serving the others.

The intensity of that feeling lasted for one or two days: all the world seemed but dust and I even found it difficult to eat.

At other times, during prayer, whether out of love for God or the ardent desire for the salvation of souls, I offered myself to the Lord, with a hint of presumption perhaps, to go anywhere, promising not to act in the usual way.

As my director exhorted me to do the will of God, I felt ever willing to do so, with the only desire that God should be glorified.

I felt so pressed to seek the salvation of souls, that I offered myself to the Lord to remain in Purgatory until the day of Judgement so that all may be saved. I would be satisfied, if once in a while, He would let me know that He was being glorified and served and that souls were being saved.

I furthermore added that I would offer to stay at the gates of Hell on condition that as long as I remained there, no one should enter.

In the course of that same year, when I was at prayer, I frequently felt moved and drawn to imitate Jesus Christ. These moments were anticipated at times by that intense spiritual union with God and accompanied by strong feelings of love.

The wish to imitate Jesus Christ was accompanied by the desire to leave everything, especially my Retreat and all that I possessed.

It seemed to me that because of my weakness and the great affection for my companions, it was not possible for me to serve God with the perfection He asked of me by remaining where I was.

I also felt compelled not to entertain any thought for temporal things: but away from everything and everyone, to be concerned only with the Glory of God and the salvation of souls, abandoning the thought of everything else to Him

I promise Him then, that if He granted me this blissful state I would accept or even seek humiliations on my part.

I desired to deprive myself of everything I owned, to live on charity thus procuring more opportunities to practise detachment and humiliation.

The interior strength I had from this prayer was so effective that it was enough to sustain me as it still does today in the midst of the trials and difficulties which the Lord has allowed me to experience in the Work from the beginning up to the present moment.

In the meantime, the Lord presented me with the opportunity of returning to Venice where He had inspired a good Religious and some other persons with the desire to establish the Daughters of Charity in that city.

Great was my surprise and my consolation when, on receiving a letter from this priest, I discovered that his project was similar to the one I had cherished for a long time and had never discussed with him.

The day before leaving my town I passed by the Church of St. Cajetan to seek his intercession in this matter, and there I met with a funeral.

I felt newly encouraged and reflecting on the fact that everything ends with death, I felt the urgency to work and toil.

This time it was not possible for me to feel sad at leaving my companions; even though I could foresee a long absence and though my companions cried much I could not feel any sadness in departing from them.

As soon as I arrived at Venice, that very evening I was told about the Work and I again spoke to the Lord about it.

Once again, and perhaps more than ever, I began to feel myself closely united with God: that feeling of love continued to grow in me, although in my opinion, it was not possible to increase any further.

Sometimes the inner feeling was so intense that it exhausted me so much that I was not able even to eat.

I remained ever more encouraged to undertake the Work as I had up to then desired.

I felt strengthened to the point that I would have had sufficient courage to even start on my own, if no other means were available.

And notwithstanding this, I was later assailed by fears and lack of trust on several occasions and only the patience of the Lord could have borne it all.

In the meantime, the negotiations were well under way. Finally the day arrived in which they were to be finalised. While I was praying fervently for a happy outcome of the same I had an inner certainty that they had been concluded precisely according to my desires.

I said this to the one who was directing me when he came to inform me about the outcome of the transactions.

As soon as they were definitely finalised, the Lord led me not only to dedicate myself to this Work but also to carry it out without any support just as He had given me this desire, many times before.

Before anything else could happen, He allowed the one who was directing me to leave suddenly. Because of this and the general situation in Venice, I felt greatly disappointed, but did not show it so as not to cause suffering to others.

I was tempted to delay the beginning of the Work which was just starting, but obedience did not allow that; neither deep down did I feel like doing so, for I was assisted by the graces I have described up to now.

After the priest who directed me had left, there was still someone who was interested in the Work so I was able to continue until the matter was settled.

However, at the moment I was about to begin, I found myself oppressed and tempted, possibly because of this initiative. So I prayed to the Lord to enlighten my companion to whom He had already, at other times, communicated very consoling things.

I received Holy Communion, after which I felt, as though newly strengthened to undertake the Work.

In the depth of my being, I understood without seeing and always in the usual way the Lord speaks to me, that He wanted to use me in many places to establish this Work.

After such experiences of prayer, as usual I was left very happy and on many occasions so indifferent to the things of this world that, for a few hours, even if some misfortune had befallen me, nothing would have troubled me.

On one of these occasions I felt in a special way, on the one hand, the power of the Lord drawing my soul to unite itself with Him and on the other, His amiability and the force of His love against the inability of my spirit to unite itself to Him as it yearned to do because it was imprisoned in the body.

A great desire came upon me for Heaven where that union, which is not possible to realize on earth, would be perfected.

It seemed as though my very soul was attempting every way to leave the prison of the body, but on the other hand, the desire to work for God and the fear that obedience would not permit me to die, cut short my request for Heaven. The effort that this entailed caused me great distress even in the body.

In fact, I was not allowed to desire death nor was I to request it from the Lord.

At another time, while I was again at prayer before the Blessed Sacrament, I experienced one of those usual feelings, I had the vision of the splendour of Heaven; God Himself and our condition as pilgrims were being shown to me.

It made such an impression on me that life here on earth seemed like a dream. So I made the resolution (though I was to fail as usual, in maintaining it) to fix my gaze on Heaven without bothering any more about suffering or joy.

This was not just a simple thought but an experience that the Lord Himself stirred up in the depth of my soul.

In the meantime, the day arrives when the Work is to be started: Saturday August 1, and also the first of the seven Saturdays dedicated to the veneration of Our Lady of Sorrows in this Diocese.

The Lord at once started to make me savour poverty, even though He always provided sufficiently for the needs of the Institute.

He put my first two companions and myself in the situation where we had to begin detaching ourselves from spiritual assistance, for He did not allow us to continue with the same confessor.

It was necessary to put us at once under the guidance of a superior and another confessor who were holy and worthy persons.

On the day when the first Mass was celebrated in the new House, during the blessing of the Oratory, I heard that this new place had been consecrated for the veneration of the Most Holy Virgin Mary.

I was extremely happy and I began to feel a great joy. After Communion I ended up in that state of union with God which I have already mentioned; in experiencing such great love, I tried to repress it to avoid being noticed, without interrupting God's work. In spite of that, something became evident.

Unfortunately, I was compelled against my will to busy myself with the affairs of the day; but the spiritual experience had been so strong that even though I had to deal with matters and engage in conversation, everything led me back to God, as I could not do otherwise because of the immensity of affection I felt.

I continued like this for some hours and as I had to attend to other matters, the sensibility to the state of union ended.

On that day I felt greatly reward for the little I had suffered for this Work.

After this initial stage and because there were only three of us, I had been instructed not to take up any particular work except visits to hospital and to prepare ourselves for the near future. This lasted for two months.

During that period we also followed a course of Spiritual Exercises.

During prayer, I was overcome by a surge of love towards God, so strong that the soul, being imprisoned in the body, was prevented from uniting itself with Him and would have tried, if given the chance, to release itself.

I could not do it as I was under obedience and because it was also my desire to make Him, the object of my affection, loved; this was what I felt strongly inclined to do.

This provoked within me a certain breathlessness, which did not help to relieve the power of love and so the trouble spread all over the body and perhaps that was the first time when my inner experience became visible.

Within me it seemed as if the soul was trying to flee from the body like a little bird, to explain it better, as though attempting to flee from the cage.

After this last experience, which was not new, I would say that I seem to understand a little, the pain that the souls in Purgatory must feel, being so strongly attracted towards God and yet unable to go to Him.

What set this experience in motion was the fact that I had read something about the Last Supper and especially of Jesus' love for mankind which was manifested in the act of instituting the Holy Eucharist.

This reflection made me enter within myself to the point that I became recollected and experienced a taste of what I savoured later in prayer, soon after Communion.

As I was in Church, I try not to let my feelings get the upper hand for fear of being seen. However, later on, when I was alone I was able to do so freely during prayer.

This view of Christ's love for men not only grieved me, for I saw that He is not loved, but it also gave me a great longing to make Him known and loved; so much so that nothing else mattered, not even my country nor my relatives.

In fact, I wished I could be reduced to dust if, in that way, I could be scattered to all parts of the world so that God would be known and loved.

After this happening I could not continue the prayer; perhaps I was physically exhausted by the power of the experience and even more because I did not know how to disengage myself from my usual duties, which later had to be done and this made me long for Heaven more than ever.

Notice that at present, the Lord seems to have changed His "language" with me. While seven or eight months or more perhaps, before initiating our new Work, I felt called to imitate Jesus Christ more closely, especially His poverty, humility and ways of operating.

Now I do not feel urged to do other than what I have in hand with perfection. It seems as though the Lord is content that, at present, I find myself in the situation in which He wanted me.

As regards to the method of prayer during this spiritual union, I seem to understand how it would be impossible to sin in Heaven while enjoying the beatific vision for I had already found it impossible to sin, while the intensity of the union with God lasts.

In fact, the effects continue as they did on other occasions, according to the power, duration and intensity of the same.

Obviously I do not mean that it is absolutely impossible to sin even after receiving the grace of union with the Lord, but I speak only of the power which continues to pervade the spirit.

At the beginning of my stay in Venice, when the Work had already been suggested to me, I went by chance to the Church of Tolentini, where Mass was being celebrated in honour of an Apostle or an Evangelist.

At the Gospel, I heard about the apostolic life and it seemed clear to me, that this life in a manner suitable to women would be the one that God wanted for this Institute. This left me very satisfied, fully determined and eager for the Institute. I spoke of it to my companion (Betta Mezzaroli), in whom that Gospel had stirred up the same feeling. However it was not a very deep experience.

We were somewhat preoccupied, finding ourselves without companions and in a situation where it was impossible to receive those who would have desired to come but were without means.

Due to pride, I always found it difficult to ask. Thinking that perhaps the Lord wanted this humiliation of me, I tried to ask.

Though I approached persons who manifested a certain concern for me, I received nothing or very little.

I then strongly requested my first companion to pray to the Lord to reveal His Will regarding the subsistence of the Institution. After much prayer, He gave her a clear insight.

She learned how much it pleases the Lord to be served, hoping against hope.

This companion of mine continued to pray that God would grant me, her Superior, the same light but she did not receive any other answer.

In the meantime, I found consolation only in prayer.One day, it seemed as though Christ Crucified showed Himself to me in His usual way without really my seeing anything. I think I understood that I had to be deprived of the sensible presence of the Lord. This was then something to which I did not know how to adapt myself.

I remained, in fact, for many days without feeling any affection towards God, with various temptations, depressed by my misery to the point of having an overall feeling of being incapable of doing anything in a definite way. I had a fear that the Institute would not be established well because of my presence.

For the first time then came the desire to return to my Retreat for all the past events seemed follies to me.

During this time, there were two days when, during prayer, I found myself so distracted that I did not know what to do. So much so that I was inclined to envy those who had never had any experience of Cod.

While assisting at Holy Mass in the same state of mind, at the moment of Holy Communion, as soon as I had received the sacred Host, I found myself charged with strong feelings of love towards God and was moved to unite myself spiritually with Him whom I had just received. The power was so intense that it seemed my breast could not bear it and would burst open.

I felt physical pain, which passed as usual when I sought for breath. All this was visibly apparent and even though I tried hard, I could not hide it because my breathing was affected.

With that, my fears were allayed and also the anxiety and agitations of the previous days passed, and I remained at peace with the intention of seeking nothing but God. I was grieved only by the thought that I had to continue to live.

In terms of intensity, I think this experience was stronger than any of the previous ones. It lasted the space of my thanksgiving after Communion because soon after that I was constrained to attend to my duties.

However, the effect of the calm remained, the recollection, the desire to seek God alone and to ensure that He be loved and that He be served by all.

In the meantime, two companions had come to join us. For these, the Lord provided directly even though for only a year.

Meanwhile, I was preparing to go to Padua for matters concerning the Institute. When they had arrived, during dinner of the first evening, my first companion, knowing that they were without means of subsistence, thought that I, her Superior, had been foolish in receiving them without any dowry. She also asked me what I would do when there was no longer anything more for anyone.

While she was thinking in this way, she received a strong push and heard the Lord say: "Do you believe that I cannot maintain them?" This incident consoled me greatly.

On the next day, while assisting at Holy Mass the impression persisted. I found myself before the presence of God in Heaven, without seeing anything as usual and not in the usual way of spiritual union. In fact, I was missing the presence of the Lord spiritually precisely because of the effect left on me the previous day when I experienced an ardent longing for Heaven.

I found myself therefore, in the presence of God in Heaven but not in Him.

At the moment of consecration I found myself brought back again to the sacramental presence; not however with mental understanding. Having received Communion, I began to be aware of the interior presence, in the usual way, and the old desires for the good of souls were renewed within me.

I felt encouraged to work in Padua, as I planned to do. I also offered myself to suffer any pain or contempt as long as God be glorified and souls saved.

I considered myself as someone without any companions and I surrendered everything to the Lord, except His presence and His help.

So I went to Padua and during the journey I had the opportunity of experiencing God's help in a special way in a danger from which He saved me.

When I was in Padua, as I had very little to do, I made myself available for services whenever possible precisely as I had intended doing.

Since some good persons had started and brought everything to completion, the Lord established the assistance in that Hospital.

In the meantime, I was dealing with a companion whom I had gone to meet but, she did not seem very suitable.

On the other hand, seeing that she was good and able, I feared that by refusing her I would deprive the house of a member who could prove very useful.

Nonetheless, after having made a novena together, we mutually agreed that she should enter another Institute.

However, I was always beset by that same concern so I felt inspired to ask the Lord for her, Through the intercession of the Most Sorrowful Virgin Mary.

Without speaking with the person involved, I recited the chaplet of the Sorrows of Mary. When I had finished, as far as I can remember, my companion who had by this time decided to go elsewhere,(actually the letter had been sent out) brought up the subject again and asked to remain a little longer in the Institute.

After having asked advice from those who directed us, she remained with us definitely.

On that same occasion I received another companion; but I was too hasty, for I did not respect the method which had been suggested to me by obedience.

This young girl was very good but she did not have the spirit of the Institute. Already while in Padua, I was aware that I had made a mistake in receiving her but I was not in time to retract my decision. The postulant stayed in the House five or six months after which she returned home.

When I returned from Padua with these two companions I made them followed a course of Spiritual Exercises.

I then started with the school trying to establish the most suitable system for that foundation.

In the meantime I was very occupied in the duties of the Institute, and in order to carry out these tasks befittingly, I was ordered, under obedience, not to pray.

however, finding that besides my own troubles and ingratitude to the Lord, the Institute was not being instilled with the spirit he wanted, I lost completely the feeling of the presence of God.

I only felt the desire for Holy Communion and the consolation it brought me but without any of the previous experiences.

IV.40. On a feast day during the Christmas Season of that year, while I was in Church praying for the Institute, at the altar of the Holy Virgin, contemplating the Crucified Christ, I cannot remember whether it was before or after Holy Communion, I had a mental picture of a plan cross and I had an inner perception that it was I who should prepare myself for suffering. Actually, the cross was meant for me personally.

I was very much afraid and dreaded suffering, fearing also that such a cross would signify possible outside opposition regarding the Institute.

Then I had the feeling that it was an internal cross which concerned me personally.

In fact, the usual temptations against faith started again. I realized that I was being tempted to regret having taken up the work of the Institute. To this was also added the anxieties of my companions, some of them, I understood, were also likewise tempted.

Every time (but they were few) I saw a cross in the church, my fears returned. My greatest suffering was to see myself incapable of doing good.

It seemed that the fears I had experienced before starting this work were coming to pass, for I did not see how it could be possible to begin an Institute with me as leader.

I was in such a state of confusion that not remembering what my obedience was, I missed receiving Holy Communion twice.

In addition to all this nearly all my companions became sick.

In the meantime, as my director had allowed me to resume prayer, I felt the Lord's strong reproach for not having responded to His grace, for my infidelity in maintaining my resolutions and, even more, for not having started the Work befittingly.

More than ever, I believe I was the cause of this bad start.

Also my poor state of health greatly afflicted me for I was aware that it was not due to any toil or suffering I might have endured for the good of our Work.

if death had come to me as a consequence of overwork in the fulfilment of my duties, it would have indeed been an immense consolation for me. This had always been the desire, that I had repeatedly put forward to my director from the beginning!

I spent all my prayer-time in this sad disposition and only later I felt strengthened and relieved for it was not the fear of suffering that caused this pain but the awareness of always doing everything badly.

The following morning I was in doubt as to whether I should receive Communion. I finally decided I would receive it out of obedience. After Communion, calm returned within me even though the Lord, without strong reproaches this time, continued to make the same demands, and I understood that I lacked confidence in Him.

I also remembered that once, just before leaving for Padua, on a feast dedicated to Our Lady, I found myself greatly troubled and tempted against my vocation. I felt myself both rebuked and reminded of the promises I had made many times to obtain a vocation that would require imitation of the life of Jesus. Even though I had not at all responded to Him, I was touched by the loving sweetness with which he was reprimanding me.

I protested to the Lord that I did not want to ask Him anything any more, not even for companions; henceforward I would do only what I could, not seeking anything but my own sanctification, without fretting about the companions I had at the time, except for the duties of charity I had towards them.

I had an inner enlightenment on the significance of seeking God alone and Christ Crucified as stated in our Rule always in the same manner of the first intuitions, that is with the sweetness and gentleness of the language of God.

Furthermore, I felt that if I really sought God alone and the most Holy Virgin, in the way the Lord wanted, I could always count on their help in this life and they would not abandon me at the hour of death.

God also gave me to understand in what way I should seek Him alone and the Most Holy Virgin, namely by suffering willingly, without looking for comforts, by loving and accepting poverty, without busying myself about people, just as if they did not exist save that they are led to God and His Glory and not seeking their approval either in words or in deeds.

I remained in great peace and joy, prepared to do all that I have already mentioned but regretting not having done it till now.

Indeed I started to conduct myself in this way but as it was not a matter of very deep interior feeling, the strong impression did not last long.

The following day, during Holy Communion, I found myself desirous of carrying out what has been said before. As it seemed to me that I could give all of myself to the Lord, just as He was giving Himself to me, I felt very closely united with Him. This lasted for sometime and this experience made me more determined to keep the resolutions I had made.

The text, "Torcular calcavi solus et de gente mea unus non est mecum", came up before me, whether it was through my imagination or in the usual way, I do not know.

I must add that never before had I realised, as in that moment, the significance of that part of the Rule which states not to seek anything but God alone and how to do it.

So, on recalling these things, I reflected that to obtain them I had to empty myself of everything and to cling to Him alone, Him alone, alone. This with regard to my affections, my desire to please Him and my activity. I also had the impression that, as far as the duties of my vocation are concerned, the Lord wanted me to be in continual suffering.

At other times, also during prayer, I had the impression that the Lord was not satisfied with my kind of poverty and wanted more austerity in my personal life and in our Work.

At other times, without seeing anything with my bodily eyes nor with any strong interior impulse, the Crucified Christ was often shown to me as He really is, stripped of everything.

This surprised me because it seemed to me that our Institute was very steeped in poverty. I once asked the Lord what He wanted and I seemed to understand that perhaps I was meant to go on to a more poverty-stricken city, in one of our other Houses.

All the same, I was still not sure whether with all this, God wanted greater poverty from the Institute or if He was asking me to take a vow of poverty, something which I until then, had not done and neither did I do afterwards. In fact, I did not know how to resolve this. Since I was the superior at that time, I was afraid of finding myself worrying about it. Apart from this, the vow always has and still does, arouse the fear of my not knowing how to observe it properly.

Meanwhile I continued to live in poverty, though not in extreme poverty, as our Work was gradually taking shape while several months passed by.

One day, during that winter, while I was making my monthly retreat, in prayer I happened to perceive an object in church which had always been there but it had never made any special impact on me. As I did so, I saw a cross appear.

I would not say that this vision was of great inner strength as did the afore-mentioned previous experience: it was a very big cross, yet not very heavy.

This time I do not think that I resisted nor did it arouse within me the repugnance as on the previous occasion, so that I found myself with my old desire to seek God alone in the above-mentioned way.

After the prayer was over, that feeling stayed with me and every time I returned to church, I again saw that same cross.

Two days later the Lord sent a cross to our Work, by the passing away of the person who had been recommended by my Director before he left and who was our only human support.

In the beginning the event touched me very little for I had been forewarned and prepared for it, but later on, as I was negligent in my prayers and lacked trust in God, I felt it very much.

The Lord, however continued to help our Work.

As for me, I was full of joy during prayer. Whether it was because I was bewildered in considering God's help or if it was because I saw myself deprived of every human support, I do not know. My only sorrow was that even this time, I had responded to the mercies of the Lord with much ingratitude and fear.

These fears were caused not because I did not believe that the Institute belonged to God, in fact the crosses sent by Him confirmed this belief. They stemmed from a suspicion that the Director might have given in to my natural inclination for this Work, and might believe all that has been written here. Even so, for me everything seems madness except these last mentioned things, which appear to me to be absolutely true.

Later, some health problems were the cause of certain apprehension and given the nature of my ailment, it seemed I was nearing the end of my life.

I felt some regret, but only for the Institute which I would have to leave without any support and as yet, not completely established.

The Lord however, in His usual way, made me understand that if He Himself was its support, there would be no doubt that He would always allow the Institute to survive without me and maintain the spirit which should animate it.

I was so convinced of this that I was able to claim to be solely relying upon God and I recovered my peace regarding the Work and I began to prepare myself for death. I was surprised at the very thought of being able to do some good to the Institute since I was doing nothing to help in giving it a sound foundation, I realized that I was actually an obstacle in its way.

For some time now, both my companions and myself had desired to move to another house, preferably to a monastery. For, it seemed obvious that in such a place we would be helped towards real observance.

I longed for this change also, for then we could live under the same roof with the Blessed Sacrament whose absence was hard for me to bear.

Since more than once I had offered to sacrifice everything to the Lord to see Him glorified, I tried not to show displeasure about this privation.

So, I began to work for the transfer to another site, also because the Lord has removed what was the biggest obstacle, calling to Himself the first benefactor of our Work.

In the meantime I had to remain at my first Retreat in Verona; but only for a short time.

When I returned (to Venice), I did not feel the consolation as on the previous occasion when I had found it very difficult to stay away from the Work in Verona even though I had suffered greatly leaving Venice.

One day after my return, I was very much distressed at observing that our Work was lacking the internal spirit I had intended for it. Casually I fixed my eyes on a cross, and experienced the same deep impression as at other times.

It appeared to me very great and it also seemed as if it were connected with the internal organization of our Work. I kept this to myself and was very surprised to hear that my first companion had seen that very morning, the same cross.

This time it was only a brief experience and the vision of the cross did not have the same effect on me as the one I had at Christmastide.

Following this, I began to feel more and more the weight of our internal state of affairs and, at times, I was greatly afflicted for the loss of every person who was really concerned with our apostolic activity.

The Lord allowed me to remain isolated from all with the deep consolation however of clinging to Him alone for support.

And yet during prayer time I felt arid and bereft of those consolations which come from inner union with God.

In the meantime I continued to seek suitable premises and managed to enter into a contract for a very small place.

After this, I enjoyed great recollection in prayer as l had done at the very beginning of the Work.

My old desires returned, though not as forcefully as before, and in the brief moments in which I found myself united with the Lord, I was strengthened in my resolution to suffer. It seemed to me then that God wanted me to practise in faith Alone with God alone, which I already greatly desired.

I was comforted by alternating thoughts of Heaven, and the brevity of life and what joy for me it was in the evening to realize that another day had gone! Of course, this was only when I had lived it well.

When, after Communion, temptations assailed me about my vocation, the Lord made me realize that even He had spent His life on earth going in search of sinners.

This understanding put an end to the temptation which stems from not having time to pray, since I had to move about continuously in connection with our Work.

At another time, also during Holy Communion, finding myself shaken by fear that some foreseen problems could cause our Work to collapse, the Lord made quite clear to me that a work beset by tribulation is the biggest proof that it belongs to Him; so I should not fear because absolutely nothing could make God's work collapse. I lived like this for a long time, except on those occasions about which I will now narrate.

Once, feeling myself strongly united to God in prayer, I felt an irresistible urge to cast myself, into the Heart of Jesus and this is what I actually did. It seemed as though I had been immersed more deeply into God than I had ever experienced in the past on those rare occasions of spiritual union.

I also experienced a heavenly peace and such a deep yearning to be in Paradise, that I even wished to be struck by lightning, in order to die.

For the rest of the day I was full of joy notwithstanding this longing. It lasted for several days and each burden, each cross appeared to be no more significant than a straw. I am sure that any kind of adversity during those days would have left me absolutely indifferent.

On another occasion during meditation, the urge to be united to God was such that it seemed that the soul sought to flee from the extreme ends of the body:

I felt a violent sensation in my hands and feet; it was due to the tension produced by concentrating myself in God in the interior of my heart, but 1 failed to do it in the way I desired because of the weariness, heaviness and opposition of my body. The persisting effect was an enduring desire to seek God alone.

But every time I committed some faults the thread of prayer was interrupted and I became very uneasy.

Yet another time, I decided to spend a day in recollection. I was alone and therefore free from any anxiety of having to contain and repress myself so as not to be noticed. I began to reflect on my nothingness.

Then I found myself united with God and the problem of the limited space of the place meant nothing because nothing at all could disturb me.

As I was alone, I abandoned myself totally to God remaining quietly absorbed in Him even though, I felt physically weak, and all my faults passed before my eyes.

On another occasion while I was on my way to the hospital to visit the infirm, being very distracted, I went to hear Mass in the church of the Dominican Fathers.

On entering I thought, at first, I had seen with my own eyes a radiant light which I attributed to the fact that I had come in from the glare of the street into the darkness of the church. Though I had been here at other times, even on sunny days, I had never noticed such brilliance.

Then I felt my soul drawn to unite itself exteriorly with God as God, that is as Spirit. A great interior peace swept over me. It seemed that if the strong swift impulse that was drawing me to unite with God had been more powerful, even my body would have been carried away with my soul.

I remember trying all I could to resist to this attraction so as not to be seen.

After this experience I had such a longing for death and Heaven that I did not know how not to request it. I was granted permission to desire it but nothing more.

During that day I felt so light-hearted in everything I had to do, notwithstanding that there were occasions of suffering; in fact I was smiling at everything because nothing seemed to matter.

The Mass lasted just for an instant, at least so I thought. I remained however drained of physical strength and had difficulty in gathering myself up to go to the hospital.

One thing only I wanted, to detach my soul from everything so as to be united with God.

*2 At that time I had a companion who had been ill for some time. I had brought some flowers which had been placed before a miraculous picture of Our Blessed Lady.

*2 Without any thought, I went to where these flowers were placed to pick up a book and smelt a certain perfume. I recalled having done so on another occasion in a place where a relic once rested from which, it was said, emanated such perfume. I found nothing extraordinary in this for I believe that it came from fresh flowers.

*2 This fragrance resembled an aroma but was only a fleeting experience. When I smelt the flowers, there was but the scent of dry flowers.

*2 Everyone had been praying for the ailing companion, before the miraculous image and for a long time we had hoped to receive the grace of healing. Another companion of mine, on that very morning, gave the patient some of the flowers dissolved in holy water, without having heard about my experience. Indeed, I had not given it any thought as I had no special confidence in the matter.

*2 Nevertheless considering the many prayers we had raised and the miracles God had deigned to work through that image, I asked my companion to give some of the flowers to the sick sister who happened to be in great pain that morning.

*2 As soon as she had swallowed them she became instantly well, even though she was yet to be completely cured.

*2 In fact, she suffered a new attack but not with the same violence as before; the ailment slowly decreased until it finally disappeared.

*1 Later on I gradually lost the feeling of the Lord's presence and I found myself in a state of temptation, weariness and distraction, until one day I recalled the mercies the Lord had bestowed on me during my life.

*1 A desire to abandon myself and all things totally to Him, was reawakened in me. This again brought great peace and recollection.

*4 During this time, with regard to the spirit, as I was not able to pray, I went through a period of spiritual boredom, weariness and temptation especially against faith. I could not find relief in anything nor did anything interest me, be it temporal or spiritual. In the midst of weariness and boredom I knew that I could rise above it only when I found the Lord.

*4 After several days I began to find Him in Holy Communion, after which, at times it did not seem as if I could contain Him, not even in my bosom.

*4 It was during one of these days after my monthly retreat when, for obvious reasons, I had more time to dedicate to prayer, that I felt disposed to unite myself to God, not in spirit but rather in a deep sentiment of affection.

*4 My old feelings were re-awakened with a great desire to unite myself to God if only for one hour, and even though I suffered physical effort, it was not possible for me.

*4 I feared it was because I had displeased the Lord by my unfaithfulness and by my failure to do what He had so often shown He expected of me: that is, to seek Him only in humiliation and suffering.

*4 It is true that He often put me in the dire necessity to seek Him alone by depriving me of nearly everything but this I had done out of necessity and not out of free choice.

*4 Besides I am keenly aware of the faults I commit in connection with my vocation, especially in my duty as Superior. This however did not disturb me exceedingly and I was left in peace with a determination to do better.

*4 In the meantime, my spiritual life continued to change. At times I felt closely united to God and at other times I had the impression of never having known Him at all.

*4 God allowed me to suffer a humiliation through which He would be glorified. I experienced a most wonderful delight, and because of it I did not know how to contain my tears. I offered myself to the Lord for any kind of humiliation provided it contributes to His glory.

*4 In fact it seemed to me that He wanted to be glorified in the various works of my vocation, through my humiliation.

*4 After some days I had to suffer a very heavy humiliation which at first was very painful. It was not only because of the humiliation but also because it was becoming clearer to me that God wanted to be the only One for me personally, as well as for the Work.

*4 When the first blow had passed I sincerely thanked the Lord. During prayer the next day it cost me no effort at all to become closely united to Him.

*4 Apart from the intimate joy, these last mentioned experiences also left in me a very special desire to prevent offence to the Lord. I also felt a deep sorrow for any fault which I might have committed. There was a fear, prompted by love, of offending Him again, and because of all these, I felt an ardent desire for Heaven.

*6 While continuing prayer and asking the Lord for strength to overcome every difficulty, I went to seek comfort, as I usually do, from a page of Thomas a Kempis which I opened at random. The reading encouraged me to undergo suffering and to expose even my life for God's service and provoked such a heartfelt sweetness that I could not restrain my weeping, while I remembered the text I had cited at other times: "Torcular calcavi solus".

*6 The old desires to spread the Glory of God and to save souls were revived and I offered myself to the Lord also for the salvation of the whole world if it were possible.

*3 Meanwhile since the Lord had sent me a new benefactor, who was unknown to me, I continued the negotiations to obtain a monastery for living quarters. The benefactor had wanted of his own desire to make acquaintance with me. Later he involved himself wholeheartedly in the Work.

*5 With regard to the place where we hope to move to, I was personally convinced that I would soon receive a favourable reply though I could not be absolutely sure.

*5 I received instead a negative reply and every negotiation seemed to collapse.

*5 Even though I did not show it, the realization that I had deceived myself procured greater suffering than the negative answer, for I fear that I could have well deceived myself at other times.

*5 I took all the necessary steps as if the move would never materialise, but even though everything seemed to indicate that the transactions were already being abandoned, I knew in the depth of my soul that everything would turn out successfully. I felt strongly urged to pray, confident of being heard.

*5 I was inspired especially to make a novena to Jesus the Nazarene and had intended to start when a few hours later I received news that the situation had changed and that it was almost certain that the matter would be concluded favourably. That is what actually happened. As I said before, I did not have an absolute assurance but mine was only an inner conviction.

*5 In the meantime, while the negotiations were being transacted, I went to assist at Holy Mass in the church situated in the locality where I wanted so much to work

*5 Before the body of St. Lucy, Virgin and Martyr, I placed the Work which I intended to establish here, under the protection of the Saint.

*5 I pointed out that it concerned a community of virgins, whose purpose was to preserve young girls from moral dangers. She, who had given her life to safeguard her virginity, was bound to consent.

*5 From the feeling of trust, the tenderness and the consolation that followed, I believed that the Saint herself had taken up the Work under her protection.

*5 Yet, I had a vague idea that in time, it would become an Institution where a more restricted life-style would be led, that is to say, a community of virgins living completely withdrawn from the world.

*5 In the usual way, I felt reassured that, though circumstances might change, through the intercession of the Holy Martyr, our Work would never cease to function in that locality.

*5 On that day, by coincidence, I was concerned and worried about some outside matters connected with the Institute.

*5 I had also been very distracted that morning at Holy Communion and during that time I found it impossible to pray for any material things, although certain needs came to mind. I could only pray to obtain a spiritual grace, that of the interior spirit, for myself and for the others.

*5 I was left with much joy, affection and a special trust in the Saint, something rather unusual for me as I did not have any particular affection for any saint after God except the Blessed Virgin.

*5 Another time, while I was on my way to the hospital, I stopped at a church to assist at Holy Mass. With the thought of the delight of living in a place where the Most Holy Sacrament would be preserved, I prayed intensely to the Lord to obtain the convent for which negotiations were still in course.

*5 Once again I felt inwardly reassured that it would be granted to me, but at a later date. Then I felt urged to pray to the Holy Virgin Mary to hasten such a favour as she had done at the wedding at Cana when she anticipated God's mercies.

*5 From the impulse I felt to pray, I knew that God had already granted my wish. As a matter of fact, it came to pass a few days later while I persevered praying to Mary through a novena to her Immaculate Heart.

*5 At the time the Work was in a state of dire poverty and I could not see how I could meet the necessary expenditures in the new place.

*5 On my day of recollection, as I was asking myself before God, whether He wanted me to rely on others, or rather seek their support, 1 felt inspired to do just this in the belief that, in any case, it would be a good occasion to hum